male announcer: LET'S TAKE A MOMENT
AND GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE REALLY STUPID PEOPLE
OUT THERE... - I LOVE THE BUBBLES.
announcer: LIKE THE HIT MAN WHO COULDN'T SHOOT
OR THE STRIPPER WHO COMMITTED "BOOBICIDE."
- [mumbles]
announcer: THERE'S THE GUY WHO PICKED THE WRONG PICKLE...
- DAMN IT, ROGER. AH! AH!
announcer: THE PARKOUR PRACTITIONER
WHO NEEDED A LITTLE MORE PRACTICE...
AND AGGRO SOFTBALLER WHO WENT DOWN HARD...
A BIRD HUNT THAT BACKFIRED ON THE HUNTERS...
AND SOMEONE WHO DID NOT SURVIVE THEIR JAPANESE GAME SHOW.
LET'S FACE IT, WITHOUT THIS BUNCH OF STUPIDS...
- YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE THINGS COST?
announcer: WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE NEXT EPISODE
OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,
INJURY, ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE,
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE 1000 WAYS TO DIE.
[yawns] RAINY DAY.
MAY AS WELL CHECK OUT THE BOOB TUBE.
- THIS IS CALLED A WONDER ONESIE.
announcer: AH, JEEZ, NOT AN INFOMERCIAL.
- I'M DEEP INSIDE THE CAMBODIAN JUNGLE.
announcer: GIVE ME A BREAK.
HOW MANY OF THESE "SURVIVING IN THE WILDERNESS" SHOWS
ARE THERE?
ALL RIGHT. JAPANESE GAME SHOW.
- STARFISH WATER TIME!
[cheers and applause]
announcer: DID HE SAY "STARFISH WATER TIME"?
all: STARFISH! STARFISH! STARFISH!
STARFISH! STARFISH! STARFISH!
HOW DO YOU SAY "MEAN AND NASTY BITCH" IN JAPANESE?
[chuckles]
- [shouting in Japanese]
announcer: WHAT IS IT
ABOUT THESE JAPANESE GAME SHOWS, ANYWAY?
- [laughing]
- [shouting in Japanese]
[cheers and applause]
announcer: WHAT KIND OF GAME INVOLVES SCUBA TANKS
AND CANTALOUPES?
- ONE, TWO...
THREE!
[speaking Japanese]
announcer: OKAY, OKAY, I THINK I GOT IT.
THEY HAVE TO SWIM UNDERWATER AND GET THE CANTALOUPES
THROUGH THE HOOPS.
- [speaking Japanese]
announcer: UH-OH.
MEAN GIRL'S PLAYING NASTY.
- [speaking Japanese]
announcer: HEY, HEY, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
- [speaking Japanese]
announcer: OH, LOOK, THE NICE ONE IS GIVING UP.
- [speaking Japanese] announcer: NOW WHAT?
- [shouting in Japanese]
announcer: UNDERWATER BITCH DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY.
LOOKS LIKE SHE'S RUNNING OUT OF AIR.
MAYBE HER SCUBA GEAR IS SCREWED UP.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO GO.
- [speaking Japanese] - [speaking Japanese]
announcer: WOW.
IF YOU ASK ME,
THAT LOOKS LIKE ONE DEAD JAPANESE-GAME-SHOW CONTESTANT.
- [speaking Japanese]
announcer: I WONDER WHAT COULD'VE CAUSED HER TO DIE.
- WHEN HER SCUBA TANK WAS FILLED,
A NEARBY TRUCK'S EXHAUST HAD EXPELLED CARBON MONOXIDE
INTO THE ACTUAL SCUBA TANK.
A DIRTY COMPRESSOR
DIDN'T FILTER THE CARBON MONOXIDE OUT,
AND THUS, THE CARBON MONOXIDE FOUND ITS WAY
INTO THE SCUBA TANK.
FOR EVERY BREATH THAT SHE TOOK,
THE CARBON MONOXIDE WAS BLOCKING THE OXYGEN
FROM ABSORBING INTO HER LUNGS AND HER TISSUES.
SHE SUFFOCATED IN A MATTER OF MINUTES.
announcer: HUH. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
I WAS CHANNEL SURFING.
I CAME UPON A WEIRD JAPANESE GAME SHOW.
- WATER TIME!
announcer: ONE OF THE CONTESTANTS
WAS A REAL BITCH,
AND THEN SHE WOUND UP DYING.
WELL, THAT'D MAKE A GOOD 1000 WAYS TO DIE STORY.
MAYBE I'LL MENTION IT TO THE KNUCKLEHEAD PRODUCERS.
BUT RIGHT NOW IT'S...
[yawns] NAP TIME.
[snoring]
MOST PEOPLE SEE AN ABANDONED BUILDING
AND THINK, "EYESORE."
BUT FOR PEOPLE INTO PARKOUR, OR FREE RUNNING,
THE URBAN LANDSCAPE IS LIKE THEIR OWN PERSONAL GYM.
GOOD FREE RUNNERS HAVE STREET CRED.
AND THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO HAS TO BE THE COOLEST.
MEET DICK. - THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE. BAM!
announcer: HE WAS A REAL RICHARD.
- IT'S KIND OF IN MY BLOOD, YOU KNOW.
IT'S MORE OF A TALENT.
- HEY-HEY! - THAT'S PATHETIC.
LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH ME.
- LET'S GO. - LET'S GO.
- PARKOUR STATED SIMPLY IS USING YOUR BODY
TO MOVE EFFICIENTLY AND FLUIDLY OVER OBSTACLES.
MODERN PARKOUR AS WE SEE TODAY
DEVELOPED IN THE FRENCH ARMY UNDER A GUY NAMED GEORGE HEBERT
WHO WAS WITNESSING NATIVES IN CONGO, AFRICA,
MOVE THROUGH THE JUNGLE WITH AGILITY, SPEED,
AND JUST ALMOST GYMNASTICS-LIKE TECHNIQUES
THAT HE BROUGHT BACK TO THE ARMY.
announcer: AS THEY SCALED THE BUILDING,
THE RACE WAS TIGHT.
DICK WAS BEHIND, SO HE PULLED OUT SOMETHING
FROM DICK'S DIRTY BAG OF TRICKS.
- WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
announcer: DICK SHOT OFF THE WALL LIKE A CANON.
DICK GOT TOTALLY BONED.
- SHOULD A PERSON IMPALE THEMSELVES
WITH A TWO-INCH METAL PIPE,
SEVERING OF THE TRACHEA MAY NOT HAVE RESULTED
IN THE DEATH,
BECAUSE IT ACTS LIKE A TRACHEOSTOMY.
AIR CAN STILL GET INTO THE AIR PIPE.
DEATH, PER SE, CAME FROM SEVERING OF THE SPINAL CORD,
ULTIMATELY FROM PARALYSIS OF THE BREATHING MUSCLES.
announcer: PARKOUR IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT EGO.
- IT'S KIND OF IN MY BLOOD, YOU KNOW.
IT'S MORE OF A TALENT.
announcer: IT'S AN ART COMBINING BODY,
MIND, AND MOTION.
- WHAT THE HELL, MAN?
announcer: DICKIE BOY HERE DIDN'T GET THAT.
AND NOW EGO... - OH, MY GOD.
announcer: BYE-BYE.
COMING UP... - YOU'RE DROOLING AGAIN.
announcer: A MEANIE GETS TICKLED BY A PICKLE.
- AH! AH!
announcer: AND A POLE DANCER WITH KNOCKERS TO DIE FOR.
- [mumbles]
announcer: HERE'S SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
YOU WORK LIKE A SLAVE TO GIVE YOUR KIDS
EVERYTHING THEY WANT.
AND AS SOON AS THEY CAN,
THEY STICK YOUR WRINKLED BUTT IN A NURSING HOME.
IF YOU'RE REALLY UNLUCKY, YOU WIND UP AT HAPPY ACRES,
RUN BY THIS TOOL.
- I THINK THESE ARE YOURS. TAKE ONE.
announcer: PETER WAS A COMPASSIONLESS BASTARD
WHO HATED OLD PEOPLE.
- YOU'RE DROOLING AGAIN.
announcer: MR. FRANKLIN IS A RETIRED SCIENCE TEACHER
WHOSE KIDS HAD HIM DECLARED MENTALLY INCOMPETENT
TO GET HIS MONEY.
MR. FRANKLIN SPENT HIS DAYS DOING THE TWO THINGS
HE ENJOYED MOST-- SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS...
AND PISSING OFF PETER.
- ROGER, I TOLD YOU NO SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS
IN THE LOUNGE!
announcer: ONE DAY,
WHILE PETER WAS WORKING ONE OF THE STAFF NURSES,
MR. FRANKLIN WAS EXPERIMENTING WITH HIS LUNCH.
IT WAS SOMETHING HE USED TO TEACH IN HIGH SCHOOL.
A PICKLE CAN BE TURNED INTO A CRUDE LIGHT
BY USING ITS NATURAL SALINITY, A COUPLE OF NAILS,
AND A POWER SOURCE.
all: AH.
- DAMN, IT, ROGER. COME ON.
GET MRS. POTTER OUT OF HERE.
I TOLD YOU NO ELECTRONIC DEVICES, EVER!
- IT'S A PICKLE. - DAMN IT, ROGER!
AH! AH! AH!
- PETER GRABBED THE PICKLE...
AND GOT JUICED.
- YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GRABBED A PICKLE
THAT WAS LIT UP.
ANY FOOL KNOWS THAT.
"OH, LOOK, THAT PICKLE'S LIT UP."
"WELL, DON'T GRAB IT, THEN." YOU KNOW, NO.
- THE PICKLE COMPLETES A CIRCUIT,
BECAUSE THE SODIUM CHLORIDE IN THE PICKLING PROCESS
IS HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE.
WHEN THE NURSING-HOME MANAGER GRABBED THE NAILS,
HE COMPLETED ANOTHER CIRCUIT,
ALLOWING CURRENT TO FLOW IN ONE ARM,
THROUGH THE HEART, OUT THE OTHER ARM.
DUE TO THE SALTWATER CONTENT OF THE PICKLE,
MORE THAN SEVERAL HUNDRED MILLIAMPS
WAS LIKELY PASSING THROUGH HIS HEART,
EVENTUALLY CAUSING CARDIAC ARREST AND DEATH.
announcer: PETER PICKED A PICKLE...
- DAMN IT, ROGER. AH!
announcer: THAT GAVE HIM A TICKLE.
NOW HIS LIFE ISN'T WORTH...
A WOODEN NICKEL.
JEWEL WAS HER STRIP CLUB'S MAIN ATTRACTION,
AND IT WASN'T HARD TO SEE WHY.
- YOU LIKE THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT?
I CAN'T CHOOSE. - I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T CHOOSE EITHER.
announcer: AT TEN POUNDS APIECE,
YOU COULD PUNCH THREE HOLES IN THESE GARGANTUAN GAZATS
AND BOWL A PERFECT GAME.
IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT,
JEWEL'S JEWELS DID NOT COME NATURALLY.
SHE SUBJECTED HERSELF TO A RADICAL SURGICAL PROCEDURE
THAT GOES FAR BEYOND TYPICAL BREAST IMPLANTS.
- A POLYPROPYLENE BREAST IMPLANT
IS ALSO KNOWN AS A STRING IMPLANT.
IT'S BECAUSE THE TEXTURE RESEMBLES
A YARN-LIKE STRUCTURE.
THIS IMPLANT, WHEN PLACED IN THE BODY,
IRRITATES THE BREAST-IMPLANT POCKET.
AND THE BODY THEN PRODUCES A FLUID CALLED SERUM
THAT CONTINUES TO FILL THE IMPLANT
SO THE BREAST BECOMES BIGGER AND BIGGER AND BIGGER
UNTIL THE IMPLANT IS REMOVED.
announcer: IRRITATION WAS THE KEY
TO JEWEL'S "CHESTICLES"...
- I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL WEEK. announcer: AND THE KEY TO JEWEL.
- HEY. - OH, MY GOD.
announcer: SHE RUBBED JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY THE WRONG WAY.
- DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THESE THINGS COST?
- I'LL GO GET YOU A PAPER TOWEL.
- YEAH.
GOD.
$1,000...
announcer: JEWEL'S GINORMOUS JUGS
WERE PAYING OFF BIG-TIME.
BUT AFTER BUMPING AND GRINDING UP ONSTAGE,
THOSE AIRBAGS FELT LIKE SANDBAGS.
SO BETWEEN SHOWS,
SHE'D LOAD UP ON A VODKA-OXYCONTIN COCKTAIL
TO EASE THE PAIN.
AND WHEN HER RACK WAS JUST TOO MUCH FOR HER BACK,
SHE HIT THE INVERSION RACK.
TONIGHT THE PAINKILLER-VODKA BREW
HAD DONE ITS JOB A LITTLE TOO WELL.
SHE WENT BOTTOMS UP
AND WAS BURIED IN AN AVALANCHE OF SHOULDER BOULDERS.
- [mumbles]
- IN THIS SITUATION,
OUR POOR YOUNG LADY, WHO IS INTOXICATED
ON TOO MUCH DRUGS AND ALCOHOL,
ALREADY HAD DEPRESSED RESPIRATIONS,
DECIDED SHE'S GONNA HANG UPSIDE-DOWN TO RELIEVE HER BACK,
THAT, OF COURSE,
PUT MORE PRESSURE ON HER DIAPHRAGM.
THE MUSCLE COULDN'T WORK AS WELL.
AND THEN LARGE, PENDULOUS BREASTS
BLOCKED SOME OF HER AIRWAY.
IF YOU DON'T BREATHE,
YOU DON'T GET OXYGEN INTO YOUR RED BLOOD CELLS,
AND YOU DIE.
announcer: JEWEL'S LADY LUMPS WERE A BIG ATTRACTION.
BUT THEY GAVE HER THE MOTHER OF ALL BACKACHES.
SHE TRIED GOING TOPSY-TURVY...
BUT THEN WHAT USED TO TAKE HER CUSTOMERS' BREATH AWAY...
TOOK HER OWN INSTEAD.
CASEY ONCE HAD DREAMS OF PLAYING IN THE BIG LEAGUES.
- YOU GONNA PLAY 'EM THAT CLOSE?
announcer: BUT NOW HE PLAYED SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL
AND JUST ACTED AS IF HE WAS A HARD-BALLING PRO.
- YEAH!
announcer: CASEY DID ANYTHING TO WIN,
INCLUDING PLAYING THROUGH EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
- [exhales sharply] YEAH! LET'S GO!
announcer: THE PAIN CAME FROM A HIATAL HERNIA,
A HOLE IN THE ABDOMINAL WALL.
A HERNIA OCCURS WHEN AN ORGAN OR A FATTY TISSUE
SQUEEZES THROUGH A WEAK SPOT IN THE SURROUNDING MUSCLE
OR CONNECTIVE TISSUE.
BUT CASEY DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ALL THIS SCIENCE.
HE JUST WANTED ANOTHER HIT.
- ALL RIGHT, THIS ONE'S GOING OUT.
OH, JEEZ, GOD!
TIME! TIME!
announcer: HIS HERNIA HAD RUPTURED.
- AH!
announcer: AND HIS SMALL INTESTINE
WAS NOW PROTRUDING FROM HIS ABDOMINAL WALL.
- AH!
announcer: CASEY PUSHED HIS GUTS BACK INTO PLACE...
- AH!
LET'S DO THIS.
- PLAY BALL.
announcer: AND CASEY STRUCK OUT FOR GOOD.
- SOMEONE CALL 911!
- OUR SOFTBALL PLAYER POPS OUT THE HERNIA THAT HE HAS.
THE INTESTINES POP OUT.
HE TRIES TO STUFF IT BACK IN.
BUT IN SO DOING, HE ACTUALLY DAMAGED THE ARTERY,
WHICH THEN, BECAUSE OF ALL THE TENSION AND FORCE
HE'S EXERTING, RUPTURED.
HE BLED TO DEATH, ESSENTIALLY.
NO BLOOD ON THE OUTSIDE,
BUT BECAUSE OF THE UNCONTROLLABLE HEMORRHAGE
ON THE INSIDE OF HIS BODY,
HE WENT FROM TAKING ONE POWERFUL SWING OF THE BAT
TO BEING LIMP AND DEAD
ON THE BASEBALL DIAMOND FLOOR.
announcer: CASEY WAS AN AGGRO SOFTBALLER
WHO LIVED BY THE MOTTO "NO PAIN, NO GAIN."
- AH!
announcer: WE HAVE A NEW ONE FOR HIM--
"NO RUPTURED HERNIA, NO DEATH."
YOU'RE OUT.
UP NEXT... - NO!
announcer: A HIT MAN'S NOT-SO-CLEAN GETAWAY...
- THROW IT! THROW IT!
announcer: AND A HUNTING DOG OUTSMARTS THE HUNTERS.
announcer: MARCO MIGHT LOOK LIKE A FRUITCAKE,
BUT HE'S JUST A HIT MAN WHO GOT CAUGHT...
- NO! [gunshot]
announcer: COPPED AN INSANITY PLEA,
AND WAS SENTENCED TO A HOSPITAL
FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE.
BUT THE LAST THING MARCO WANTED
WAS TO RUB SHOULDERS WITH A BUNCH OF LOONY TUNES.
HE IMMEDIATELY STARTED PLANNING HIS ESCAPE.
THEN IT CAME TO HIM...
THE LAUNDRY CHUTE.
WHEN THE ORDERLIES WERE DISTRACTED,
MARCO MADE HIS MOVE.
THIS NEANDERTHAL WAS NEVER KNOWN FOR HIS BRAINS.
THE CHUTE WAS HARD TO MANEUVER DOWN,
VERY SLIPPERY,
AND HE WAS STARTING FROM THE FIFTH FLOOR.
EVEN WORSE, IT WAS LAUNDRY DAY.
AS SOON AS HE STARTED CLIMBING DOWN,
100 POUNDS OF URINE-STAINED SHEETS AND TOWELS
CAME RAINING DOWN ON HIS HEAD.
MARCO STRUGGLED TO HOLD ON,
BUT LOST HIS GRIP 50 FEET FROM FREEDOM.
- THIS INDIVIDUAL WHO FELL 50 FEET,
LANDING ON THE HARD CONCRETE,
INITIALLY LANDED FEETFIRST.
HE SNAPPED HIS FEMUR, LIKE BREAKING A TOOTHPICK.
HIS SPLEEN JUST EXPLODED.
AND HE ALSO CRUSHED HIS SKULL.
AND IT CAUSES IMMEDIATE DEATH WITHIN A FEW MINUTES.
announcer: MARCO WAS A COLD-BLOODED HIT MAN...
- NO! [gunshot]
announcer: WHO FAKED HIS WAY INTO THE LOONY BIN
AND BECAME...
A BIG HIT.
[deep voice] THEY SAY THERE'S NO GREATER RELATIONSHIP--
NO TRUER DISPLAY OF LOYALTY THAN THE ONE
BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS DOG.
I SHOULD KNOW. THAT'S ME--SPARKY.
I'M A PEDIGREED GOLDEN LABRADOR.
AND I CAN TRACE MY ANCESTRY ALL THE WAY
BACK TO THE FIRST RECOGNIZED GOLDEN LAB, BEN OF HYDE.
BUT DON'T ASK THESE TWO DIM LIGHTS
ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
ALL THEY CARE ABOUT ARE DRINKING...
- I LOVE THE BUBBLES. announcer: AND HUNTING.
- COME ON, NOW! YEAH!
announcer: THE DRINKING, I COULD DO WITHOUT.
I LOVE TO FETCH.
I WOULD SAY IT'S MY FOURTH-FAVORITE THING TO DO.
IF YOU COULD SEE INSIDE MY BRAIN,
HERE'S WHAT IT'D LOOK LIKE.
I LOVE EATING, SLEEPING, SNIFFING CROTCHES,
AND DIGGING HOLES.
I USED TO LOVE TO LICK MY TESTICLES.
WHOEVER INVENTED NEUTERING SHOULD HAVE THEIRS CUT OFF.
- HA.
announcer: WITH ME, FETCHING IS A PART
OF MY GENETIC WIRING.
IT'S LIKE I CAN'T NOT FETCH.
- WHOO-HOO! - THAT'S RIGHT. BRING IT.
BRING IT. YOU FETCH THAT UP.
- WE HUMAN BEINGS HAVE BRED CANINES
FROM THE ORIGINAL WOLF INTO SPECIFIC TASKS
THAT WE WANT OUT OF A CANINE.
RETRIEVERS ACTUALLY WERE BRED OUT OF NEWFOUNDLAND
TO RETRIEVE FISH.
THEN THEY WERE EXPORTED OVER TO ENGLAND.
IT WAS HUNTING WITH BIRDS.
AND THEN WE AMERICANS BROUGHT THEM BACK OVER HERE
TO THE AMERICA TO RETRIEVE, LIKE, BALLS,
PLAY OBJECTS, BIRDS AGAIN FOR HUNTING, ET CETERA.
announcer: SOMETIMES I WISH MY OWNERS WERE A TAD SMARTER.
THESE TWO FELL OUT OF A STUPID TREE
AND HIT EVERY BRANCH ON THE WAY DOWN.
- SPARKY, WHERE ARE THE DUCKS AT?
announcer: I BELIEVE THE DUCKS ARE UP THERE IN THE SKY.
PERHAPS IF YOU WEREN'T SO DRUNK, YOU'D BE ABLE TO SEE THEM.
- WE GOT TO FLUSH THEM OUT!
announcer: YEAH. FLUSH THEM OUT WHY DON'T YOU?
HELLO. WHAT'S THAT? A STICK.
IF HE THROWS IT, I'M GONE.
- WHOO! YEAH! COVER YOUR EYES!
COVER YOUR EARS!
announcer: SOMETIMES I FEEL SO STUPID.
I MEAN, IT'S JUST A STICK.
BUT I ACTUALLY LIKE THIS.
HERE YOU GO, FELLAS.
OH, OH, A SQUIRREL.
THERE GO MY GENETICS AGAIN. - NO, SPARKY! AH!
announcer: WHAT KIND OF STICK WAS THAT?
- THE BASIC CHEMICAL MAKEUP OF A STICK OF DYNAMITE
IS SIMPLY NITROGLYCERIN AND A COMPOUND
TO STABILIZE IT,
WHICH IS EITHER DIATOMACEOUS EARTH
OR SAWDUST.
A STICK OF DYNAMITE HAS THE FORCE
OF WHAT THEY CALL TWO JOULES.
A SINGLE JOULE IS THE EQUIVALENT
OF SAY A ONE-TON CREW CAB PICKUP TRUCK HITTING YOU
AT ABOUT 100 MILES AN HOUR.
IT BASICALLY WILL BLOW YOU APART.
announcer: THESE GUYS ARE ALWAYS LOSING THINGS.
HERE YOU GO. I FETCHED YOUR ARM.
OKAY, GENTLEMEN, TIME TO GO.
IT'S DINNERTIME. I'M HUNGRY.
HELLO!
- [barks]
Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com